God created the earth in six days.
On the seventh, he sort of rested.
On the eighth, he created William McMahon.
Like a computer program, William’s only function is to play Hard Reset. In the same way your computer does teraflops of calculations to bring you videos of cats hugging each other on the YouTubes, William’s brain is hard wired to destroy foes in the realm of Hard Reset. He doesn’t see the world like you and me – he sees it in a stream of ones and zeros, like the Matrix, and from this his brain deduces the quickest way possible to reach his objectives inside of the game. So serious is this problem, his family and fiancee have long since abandoned him since the only emotions he is capable of feeling are triumph and slight resentment.
Flying Wild Hog Studios, the company responsible for creating the game, have reported that more than half of their staff has randomly died in the office. It’s suspected that William’s relentless slaughter of the in game enemies (over 10,000 according to the Death Incarnate achievement) has been of such fervency, that Steam has accidentally transmitted the pure aggression into electromagnetic waves that have traveled back to their studio, resulting in several casualties dying of various heart and prostate complications.
Flying Wild Hog studios anticipated William, and decided to remove multiplayer before releasing the game. “It was a tough decision, but we didn’t want to inflict any avoidable rectal pain on other helpless customers.”
In addendum to this, Valve has had to employ a series of Chinese computer programmers to make sure that William’s Steam account didn’t literally explode. He’s accumulated so many points, 8,102, that Matt T. Wood of Valve software has reported to news agencies that the servers Steam reside on are actually six to seven hundred kilograms heavier due to William’s rapid accumulation of points and achievements.
“It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. We’ve had Korean people with Steam accounts in the past, but none have come close to anything like we’ve seen with Mr. McMahon. We’re speaking to the Guinness Book of World Records right now on striking a merchandising deal for his amazing feats.”
During our interview with Matt, McMahon managed to beat the game again for the Fiftieth time. He had beat it so hard, that it, with magnets, removed all of Matt’s recollection of the English language, and replaced it with Italian. We had to end our interview there.
“Era il mio piacere, arrivederci.”
William McMahon refused to comment.
In an email interview with Newell, he commented:
“We’ve had suggestions that we remove the game from his Steam account, but that goes against our EULA. Our lawyers said we couldn’t do that, but they did manage to find a loophole whereby we remove the game from Steam altogether. We’re currently in talks with Flying Wild Hog Studios, but we’re not sure they’re receptive to the idea. If we have to, we will disassemble Steam and Valve Software entirely to stop this carnage, but we’re hoping we can simply just delete the game instead. If this fails, we have a secondary plan to delete the Internet, but that’s truly a last resort.”
When asked how this would affect future releases of Half-Life content, Gabe commented:
“Episode three has been done for months, but William’s rampage of hate and deceit accidentally deleted the source code from our in-house computers. We’ve had to start from scratch, and this will probably push the game back another ten or fifteen years – that’s if this doesn’t shut our doors altogether.”
Newell continued, but none of us could speak Portuguese after William’s sixtieth play-through.